Introducing you to my numbness

Numb.

Was there ever an accurate definition of this word? was there ever someone who was able to describe it? Maybe when Linkin Park made this huge chart topping track? Or perhaps when they said” it is when you feel nothing.”

To many, maybe this is what numbness is; Perhaps even some may argue that it is mentioned in science that numbness is the lack of feeling. The truth is I find this is so misleading for when we say we “feel nothing” we are either actually feeling something but we just choose to ignore it, or when there is nothing to feel in the first place.

So what’s MY numb !?

Numb is when all of your surroundings become blank. It’s when you are overwhelmed with joy yet you couldn’t care less if this joy disappeared, numb is when sadness controls you but you don’t mind it, you actually willow in it sometimes, numb is when pain consumes you yet you don’t even try to stop it, numb is when you are supposed to get disappointed but you only get shocked and that’s it and numb is when everything feels foreign.

Now unlike what they have told us, this numbness is not a bad thing; As a matter of fact, it prevents lots of ache. Numbness is your friend.

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My very first blogging experience

Stereotyped

We live in a world full of different beliefs and cultures; consequently, We live in a world full of stereotyping.

An example of this is Sam Smith and his controversial Oscar acceptance speech
which managed to make headlines for a few weeks: Not because of its shortage or because of its impact on the world – which is what acceptance speeches are all about- but because of its irrelevance.

Dedicating his award to the LGBT community, Sam used the ” gay card ” to express his pride. Moreover, he said that he was the first non- heterosexual to win such award. Quoting him, “If this is the case … even if it isn’t the case, I want to dedicate this to the LGBT community, all around the world.” Indeed, it’s “not the case.”

However, it’s a first for a super star to turn an opportunity of influencing others into a self-centred speech. Sam, without realizing, has stereotyped himself and has actually upset the LGBT community. Which made me see that the minority issue -sometimes- is being increased by the minorities themselves.

If you want to stop being judged and stereotyped, then stop stereotyping yourselves firstly, please.

 I’m pro Gay rights. But my mind cannot comprehend the idea of “coming out!” why should it matter for me to know with whom you prefer to partner, and make a big deal out of it? Frankly, 49% of people right now are something other than “heterosexual” – a proof of the non-minority existence- which is acceptable.
What’s not acceptable is if some of this quite big percentage are only Bi, Gay, Poly or whatever because they want to be sympathized with, or find pleasure in being the underdog.

Same thing applies for religions too.
God, I have no intrest in knowing your God, Or whatever higher power -or no power at all- you believe in! Your personal beliefs and religious values are reflected by your behaviour and attitude!

I’m not against freedom of speech, or freedom of any form; actually, I am pro freedom and pro choice! But not when it comes to things that are, literally, irrelevant to the common good.

Spread Your values, if you want, just don’t add the “I” in the sentence. And if you do, don’t complain when you get stereotyped: you did it your self anyway.

Perhaps if we applied this Nmnm thought, it will make us take an extra step in our pursuit of peaceful co-existence.

The perfect mistake

The Perfect Mistake
 

“The first time I saw her, everything went quite… When you have obsessive compulsive disorder, you don’t really have quite moments.” Neil Hilborn – an OCD patient- said.
It was 2013 when Neil took the stage to poetically share his amazing gripping love story. That love story that you will not hear about in a Taylor Swift song, the same love story that novelists try to capture its essence in their haunting novels in which they either end them with a tragic death of an almost perfect character, or they turn them into Disney theme stories where everyone lives happily ever after. The only thing is that this is neither written by a lyricist nor a writer; it’s written by the lovers themselves.
“…even in bed you will find me thinking ‘Have I locked my door yet, washed my hand’ (he repeated 3 times) but when I saw her the only thing I could think of is the hairpin curve of her lips and the eyelash on her cheek, the eyelash on her cheek, the eyelash on her check.” he added “I asked her out six times in thirty seconds. She said yes after the third time but none of it felt right so I had to keep going.” He just had to keep going, not to make sure that she actually said yes. He just had to keep going till it feels right, he had to keep going not because it is a typical OCD trait, but because he only had to feel right.
In description of their first date, Neil pointed out that he spent a lot of time organizing his food according to shape and colour and that he kissed her goodbye about 16 ,or 24 times – if it was Wednesday– but then he added “She loved it.” She loved how it felt to be on the road with him, it just felt endless. She loved the safety she felt with him because he “definitely locked the door 18 times” She simply chose to see the good in his bad. This far it all looks out of a John Green’s Hopeless romance, doesn’t it?
But then, one day, when he kissed her goodbye in the morning over and over and over again she said “ I love you” but not the “ I love you” he was used to hear, her lips did not just curl the way they had always curled. She told him he was taking too much of her time and that it’s wrong. It’s wrong that he got attached, it’s wrong that they fell in love, in fact she moved out, but how could it be wrong when he doesn’t have to wash his hands after he touches her. “Love is not a mistake.” Neil said.
Love… tricky four letters that are often misinterpreted, Love is contradictory. It can cure, but it can sicken. It can strengthen; but it most certainly can weaken. It can be the answer to many of our problems but it may also add salt to the wound. Here is the funny part, all of these contradictions work simultaneously.
“Now, I just think about who else is kissing her. I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once and he doesn’t care if it’s perfect. I want her back so bad that I leave the door open.” Neil uttered the last sentence while being a complete mess. On the other hand, he leaves the door open, a perfect deception of the simultaneous contradiction. A further proof, Neil is so far away from perfect according to our world’s standards but that didn’t stop him from pursuing what seems like a perfect girl whose lips curl into a smile when she talks. Love did cause his heart to ache but it made him brave enough that he no longer locks his door. Love conquered OCD traits and instead turned it into love traits. And that is what real love is… a perfect mistake.
Here is Neil’s full speech. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnKZ4pdSU-s

PS: Prepare a box of tissues.

Support System

some are supposed to be your biggest support system. In fact, You should be grateful for having them in your life. Did you think of a specific person when you read this? A friend, a close one, perhaps a family member or even an entire group of friends??

No what if your “support system” has somehow got reformatted into a “destruction system” what if they constantly made you feel that you are a no-good, that you are a shame although, in fact, they are the ones who constantly let you down.

They literally created a super-equipped cage, locked you in it and then told you ” Hey, be free” they actually see that this cage is so freaking big. You just strive for freedom.

 

No need to read

On the wake of the sadness you have been feeling lately, the dark thoughts you have been having, and your latest experiences, it is safe to say that you have finally figured your shit out, right?

I mean you know the mess you truly are and that you are your worst hater– you believe the lame excuses they make and refuse to believe your own, the ones you know it is utterly true.

it is funny that the ones you strive for are the ones who made you hate yourselves, it is funny how you will never change. You will always be that annoyingly rude and loud person

the fact that the only thing that is stopping you from taking your own life is a fear that might not even be true, and the fact that that you finally realized that you are no good ( you know you are good to some, but a lot would do much better without you.) after all of this time (you always had this feeling deep down that you are just a no-worth) is pathetic

Shall I continue ?

Channeling my inner…

-Hey, It has been a while . How are you doing?

-Like always.

-Isn’t it funny that we spend every single second together, yet I barely know you.

-How ironic… what do you wish to know?

– I don’t know; why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself, about us.

– Don’t you think that I’d stop talking to you if i knew the answer to this question

– Good point well made. Okay then, let us start with some easy questions. The basic boring questions that you get asked about so frequently that it became so weary. The ones that you find so hard to answer and…. Without further ado,  What terrifies you most ?

-……..

– Did I say something wrong?

-No, It is just that I can’t pick whether it is the unknown and the ambiguity of life or death, Although You can say that death is my main concern in this ambiguity

-What do you mean…?

-I like mysteries and I enjoy enigmas but death is so harrowing that I can’t even imagine.

-Why are you so scared of it…?

-I’m scared of myself after I encounter it.

-Now, wait! there is no ”myself” after encountering it.

– I’m not talking about my body in that static phase that lasts forever. I’m talking about me witnessing it, me feeling it is pain, The pain of loss.

-Let us try something different, what do you think of yourself ?

-You mean what do I think of you

-Obviously, yeah.

– a good unworthy pathetic entity.

 

-OK… So, What is your cup of tea then..?

-well, I’m not so sure what my cup of tea is but i’m pretty sure it is not this.

-by ”this” you mean….

-life.

-It is safe to say that I really never wanted nor missed talking with you ,you know.

-Ditto.

Youth is overrated

Who the fuck told you that life, as a young persona, should be nice and care-free? Dude, life is life
even children go through shit
It is just how we view this ‘shit’ I promise you: the tears your little sibling spilled on that chocolate he/she didn’t get is, to him, almost as hurtful as the ones you spent when you broke up with your lover or when you didn’t get that job.
It all depends on our egocentric self’s perspective and how it likes to believe that it is the only one that is suffering; only to justify the sadness, the pain. We always tend to believe we are so strong, so it shocks us when the realization of our semi-weakness hits us in the face… What it is so trivial to you is so central to others and vice-versa. And for that, do us all a favor, and stop the self pity and judgement.