Loss

In two days I lost two precious people.
I know it doesn’t make sense, but music do mean a lot to me and Avicii’s tracks have been playing in the background of my daydreams. The daydreams without which I wouldn’t have been able to bear this life, without which I would’ve collapsed. As for the other one, I have lost my dear teacher and my dearest uncle عمو سعيد in all honesty, I never thought that losing him would affect me this much, but here I am, distracting myself with yet any form of anything just to prevent my thoughts from thinking about him. I never had an uncle to have my back till I had him. His silly jokes on my profile photos, his lovely smile and sweet sweet presence, his radiating soul and altruistic self will always remain alive in my memory. I’ll miss you uncle. May Allah rest your soul, may he welcome you in his heaven. It’s one of the times that I do wish that there is a heaven ( considering I always prefer nothingness) so that it welcomes people like you 💞

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yet to be named.

Scattered and broken entity on the ground. I don’t have the guts to call it a soul anymore. I don’t even know if I have the right to feel such break; as a matter of fact, I’m not so sure that I feel a thing in the first place( reason I refuse to proclaim the soulnees of this entity) the entity is of the strength of a new born and the depression of an alone 50 year old, and it is all mine. It is my newborn, Still I stand tall and look down upon it, I belittle its sorrow, even tho the sorrow is mine. I dodge it away, I close the doors, hide beneath the covers and put on bulletproof vests just in case I failed to dodge. But again, the fragile entity might be just fine and I’m making it all up. Maybe I still find comfort in sadness.

getting to know myself just a tad more

I cannot fathom why, till this very day, I only feel attracted to those who feel pain. It does not usually start with me knowing that they have gone through pain, it is more or less that I feel as if I have known this person for quite sometime, it is often evident in almost all of my friendships– and it will also be evident in my future relationship if i was to be a good material of a GF in one day– it is just this touch of hurt that gives their souls so much beauty. After I actually typed these words, things have began become to perspective. Now, I understand why I truly cannot stand those who “negative energy” away people. I thought that this was a good quality in me that I should be proud of, I thought it indicated that I am actually a good hearted person, but the truth is I do not think so, for I immediately leave after I fulfill my purpose, the purpose of fixing what is broken… I was once told that I am a great friend and that I am always there to help but once this help is no longer needed, i lose interest. I think it may be a horcrux situation; I seem to give a piece of my soul to each such friend, it is as if my subconscious is determined to do so. It is not a good quality as a matter of fact it is just a masqueraded selfishness. I believe I enjoy tearing my soul apart.

Serenity

Sometimes it is not happiness what one wants in order to feel better; sometimes what one needs is a relief, a remedy or a simple break.

I went to Alexandria a few days ago, had loads of fun, stayed with friends (Hallelujah), and simply had the time of my life. I kept repeating ” mabsota” (Happy) every couple of minutes maybe. Looking back at it now, i wasn’t mabsota, I was relieved, I was quite… the serenity was what I needed. For three days, there was hardly any noise! I’m not talking a quite city serenity but I’m rather saying that my mind was serene; the wars within somehow were at time of peace. Again, to me, it is all about distractions, I was distracted by the joyful company  and the beautiful city. Happiness has never been my goal. I guess one may deduce on the light of the above that I’m toxic to be around. It is not just a phase, it is who I am. I cannot bear the thought of me becoming better or being actually of a worth. The worst part is that I have been feeling as such ever since I was a little kid, and I do not have to blame anyone for the way I am feeling– although they had a hand in making me feel as such– The point is I need serenity. Since I cannot travel every couple of days, I found an alternative: +12 hours of sleep. Sure you will get a sore body when you wake up after almost 16 hours of sleep, but damn, I will take a sore body over a sore mind and a broken soul anytime of the day.e1872fae-7d6f-4032-bf94-8ac62ab177b8

Introducing you to my numbness

Numb.

Was there ever an accurate definition of this word? was there ever someone who was able to describe it? Maybe when Linkin Park made this huge chart topping track? Or perhaps when they said” it is when you feel nothing.”

To many, maybe this is what numbness is; Perhaps even some may argue that it is mentioned in science that numbness is the lack of feeling. The truth is I find this is so misleading for when we say we “feel nothing” we are either actually feeling something but we just choose to ignore it, or when there is nothing to feel in the first place.

So what’s MY numb !?

Numb is when all of your surroundings become blank. It’s when you are overwhelmed with joy yet you couldn’t care less if this joy disappeared, numb is when sadness controls you but you don’t mind it, you actually willow in it sometimes, numb is when pain consumes you yet you don’t even try to stop it, numb is when you are supposed to get disappointed but you only get shocked and that’s it and numb is when everything feels foreign.

Now unlike what they have told us, this numbness is not a bad thing; As a matter of fact, it prevents lots of ache. Numbness is your friend.

My very first blogging experience

Stereotyped

We live in a world full of different beliefs and cultures; consequently, We live in a world full of stereotyping.

An example of this is Sam Smith and his controversial Oscar acceptance speech
which managed to make headlines for a few weeks: Not because of its shortage or because of its impact on the world – which is what acceptance speeches are all about- but because of its irrelevance.

Dedicating his award to the LGBT community, Sam used the ” gay card ” to express his pride. Moreover, he said that he was the first non- heterosexual to win such award. Quoting him, “If this is the case … even if it isn’t the case, I want to dedicate this to the LGBT community, all around the world.” Indeed, it’s “not the case.”

However, it’s a first for a super star to turn an opportunity of influencing others into a self-centred speech. Sam, without realizing, has stereotyped himself and has actually upset the LGBT community. Which made me see that the minority issue -sometimes- is being increased by the minorities themselves.

If you want to stop being judged and stereotyped, then stop stereotyping yourselves firstly, please.

 I’m pro Gay rights. But my mind cannot comprehend the idea of “coming out!” why should it matter for me to know with whom you prefer to partner, and make a big deal out of it? Frankly, 49% of people right now are something other than “heterosexual” – a proof of the non-minority existence- which is acceptable.
What’s not acceptable is if some of this quite big percentage are only Bi, Gay, Poly or whatever because they want to be sympathized with, or find pleasure in being the underdog.

Same thing applies for religions too.
God, I have no intrest in knowing your God, Or whatever higher power -or no power at all- you believe in! Your personal beliefs and religious values are reflected by your behaviour and attitude!

I’m not against freedom of speech, or freedom of any form; actually, I am pro freedom and pro choice! But not when it comes to things that are, literally, irrelevant to the common good.

Spread Your values, if you want, just don’t add the “I” in the sentence. And if you do, don’t complain when you get stereotyped: you did it your self anyway.

Perhaps if we applied this Nmnm thought, it will make us take an extra step in our pursuit of peaceful co-existence.

The perfect mistake

The Perfect Mistake
 

“The first time I saw her, everything went quite… When you have obsessive compulsive disorder, you don’t really have quite moments.” Neil Hilborn – an OCD patient- said.
It was 2013 when Neil took the stage to poetically share his amazing gripping love story. That love story that you will not hear about in a Taylor Swift song, the same love story that novelists try to capture its essence in their haunting novels in which they either end them with a tragic death of an almost perfect character, or they turn them into Disney theme stories where everyone lives happily ever after. The only thing is that this is neither written by a lyricist nor a writer; it’s written by the lovers themselves.
“…even in bed you will find me thinking ‘Have I locked my door yet, washed my hand’ (he repeated 3 times) but when I saw her the only thing I could think of is the hairpin curve of her lips and the eyelash on her cheek, the eyelash on her cheek, the eyelash on her check.” he added “I asked her out six times in thirty seconds. She said yes after the third time but none of it felt right so I had to keep going.” He just had to keep going, not to make sure that she actually said yes. He just had to keep going till it feels right, he had to keep going not because it is a typical OCD trait, but because he only had to feel right.
In description of their first date, Neil pointed out that he spent a lot of time organizing his food according to shape and colour and that he kissed her goodbye about 16 ,or 24 times – if it was Wednesday– but then he added “She loved it.” She loved how it felt to be on the road with him, it just felt endless. She loved the safety she felt with him because he “definitely locked the door 18 times” She simply chose to see the good in his bad. This far it all looks out of a John Green’s Hopeless romance, doesn’t it?
But then, one day, when he kissed her goodbye in the morning over and over and over again she said “ I love you” but not the “ I love you” he was used to hear, her lips did not just curl the way they had always curled. She told him he was taking too much of her time and that it’s wrong. It’s wrong that he got attached, it’s wrong that they fell in love, in fact she moved out, but how could it be wrong when he doesn’t have to wash his hands after he touches her. “Love is not a mistake.” Neil said.
Love… tricky four letters that are often misinterpreted, Love is contradictory. It can cure, but it can sicken. It can strengthen; but it most certainly can weaken. It can be the answer to many of our problems but it may also add salt to the wound. Here is the funny part, all of these contradictions work simultaneously.
“Now, I just think about who else is kissing her. I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once and he doesn’t care if it’s perfect. I want her back so bad that I leave the door open.” Neil uttered the last sentence while being a complete mess. On the other hand, he leaves the door open, a perfect deception of the simultaneous contradiction. A further proof, Neil is so far away from perfect according to our world’s standards but that didn’t stop him from pursuing what seems like a perfect girl whose lips curl into a smile when she talks. Love did cause his heart to ache but it made him brave enough that he no longer locks his door. Love conquered OCD traits and instead turned it into love traits. And that is what real love is… a perfect mistake.
Here is Neil’s full speech. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnKZ4pdSU-s

PS: Prepare a box of tissues.